Do not go gentle

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas

Between seeing my therapist, exercising, and not drinking, for the first time in many years a new feeling is creeping into my consciousness. That feeling is freedom. Learning that nearly every battle I’ve fought over the last several years has been based on unresolved emotional turmoil was enlightening while also being quite humbling.

Chuck Palahniuk said that it’s only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything. That is how I feel. Gaining insight and truly confronting the pathos in the deepest recesses of by character has allowed me to question nearly every comment that comes out of my mouth. I am choosing my words much more carefully now. I have saved my life but also feel like I’ve lost my edge. I realize this is the last remnants of faulty thinking seeping into my awareness.

And what’s left is a man that wants to make the most of the rapidly fleeting time he has left. Half my life is gone. I may have done things to my body that will be difficult to repair. I still have much to say, and don’t want to waste another second.

So the first thing I did today was call a woman I have been thinking about for quite some time. I feel courageous and I feel like I can, for perhaps the first time ever, be totally honest with another human being.

The second thing I did was accept a teaching position at a local college by my home. I’m taking a little break from therapy. Although helping people move through the deepest channels of their troubled souls was incredibly enriching, I want to take a little time to understand what that process did to me. I was effective because I was so deeply wounded, myself, I realize that now. But I have freshly healed scabs, and jumping back into the ring right now might spill some blood I’m not ready to part with. Not now.

So now I will teach. I want to inspire, to share what I have learned with people at the beginning of their own journeys. Surely my own adventure has left me with some wisdom to impart. So one door closes and another one opens. This is the nature of life, to make an ending is also to make a beginning. This is exciting to me.