Awakenings

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

Anatole France

Most of my life I have felt like I have been poking around in a dark room. Much of the time I have been able to make extremely thoughtful assessments of why I do the things I do, but almost always after the fact, and often when it was just a little too late.

In the grand accounting of difficult conversations I have had in my life, today was absolutely at the top of the list. I heard and confronted some things about myself today that cut very deep into the core of my deeply-flawed self.

The crux of what I discussed today in therapy was about Tommy, my actions with his father, and my subsequent actions arising from his case. After all my protests, all my rationalizations, and all my anger, the session reached its climax when I was asked by my therapist, point blank, just which little boy I was trying to save, Tommy or myself.

This question found its mark. I sat in stunned silence for what seemed like several minutes and truly contemplated everything I had done over the last couple days regarding this case. To react with the level of anger that I did was indicative of a far greater reaction than simply protecting a child, I knew this. Somehow Tommy’s father, in one moment became for me a representation of all of the powerful objects I have been unconsciously fighting with for my entire life.

Facing this was important. When one accepts the responsibility of becoming a psychologist, it is a virtual certainty that we will hear stories of some of the darkest and most sinister actions people are capable of. Our job is to listen with empathy and compassion and build affective relationships with the people who put their trust in us. This demonstrates the power that can occur when two people truly and honestly connect. We are not avenging angels and it is not our duty to set things and people right.

And yes, this even means not striking child-molesting monsters despite the fact that our every instinct tells us to do so. This is a fantasy most people would love to indulge, but by the very nature of my position I am not entitled to do so. It’s not what I’ve signed on for.

As to my desire to save Tommy, I clearly see a number of parallels between his life and mine. He is angry and he is confused and he has a terrible secret, and life has brought the two of us together to deal with these problems. Ultimately a psychologist has only one thing to use in therapy and that is himself. This is only entirely possible if we have really examined our own issues and learned how to put them to rest. Those of us who have not done this allow our emotional difficulties to seep into our work, and when this happens therapy is just not that effective.

I go home totally drained. One thing I don’t seem to want anymore is a drink. I’ve been through to much to surrender to such a petty and temporary solution to my problems. No the real battle is now with myself, and deep down I know it always has been.

In this battle honesty is my best ally. With the help of my therapist I am learning to truly examine how, in my case the child has truly been the father of the man. I’d like to learn to examine my own behavior in the moment. My whole life I’ve always been a half step behind, and this one half step has dramatically affected my ability to find happiness.