Lost innocence continued

“But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.”

Ernest Hemingway

When the dust settled, the parents of the boy I was seeing were both arrested. The boy had bruises all over his legs and private parts, and he was convincing enough for the district attorney to press charges. Should this case go to trial, I may have lost my chance to testify given the magnitude of the violence I inflicted on the boy’s father. The DA was very disappointed in me, lectured me sternly, but in the end pressed no charges. I had dodged that bullet.

But…. My partners felt it would be best if I took a couple of weeks off while the American Psychological Association sorted out what to do with me. I didn’t object.

Although my professional life literally hangs in the balance, something inside of me has changed. I feel powerful and I feel strong. I have conquered some kind of demon that has been dormant inside of me and become a man of action. For the first time in quite some time, I have no urge to have a drink. It would be an insult and a dishonor to a little boy who proved to me what real courage really means.

Philosophically I have to come to terms with what I’ve done. As a psychologist I have been deeply habituated to believe that problems have non-violent solutions, and that violence is the very antithesis of what we do. I have always subscribed to Edmund Burke’s idea that “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” For me this fight has thus far consisted of summoning all of my reason and compassion to help people along the way. Until yesterday. Yesterday, sensing that I was in the presence of pure evil, I returned to the most primal method of conflict resolution known to man.

Which brings us to the question of evil. Is there such a thing? A great debate between Rollo May and Carl Rogers took place on this issue, and I’ve always leaned towards Dostoyevsky’s view that “If the devil does not exist, and man has therefore created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness.”

Gilbert Ryle thought of evil as the “ghost in the machine.” Basically he suggested that as man has evolved, he has retained some of his primal urges which can override the higher brain and lead people to do hateful and evil things.

Over the last couple of days I have searched my mind for possible alternative explanations as to how someone can molest their own child for years in conjunction with their spouse. I have worked with sex offenders, have heard their stories, and tried to understand how their twisted logic develops. I understand that many of these people were themselves molested and the developed a very maladaptive view of human sexuality. I’ve seen it and I’ve tried to help these people.

But….. to take a child who came out of your womb and to hurt and destroy him sexually, and for the father to respond by molesting him as well? There is no explanation for this except pure unadulterated evil that makes any kind of sense to me. Perhaps this is still my anger talking. But truly, beyond whatever forces twist and distort a person’s sexuality, there is a moment when they look into the eyes of a crying and terrified child and have a choice, and when they make the choice to satisfy their own needs at the sake of this terrified child, that is evil…….

Can evil therefore be learned? I guess it can. Perhaps this is even predominantly the source of evil in the world. Perhaps children who are neglected, abused, scorned, and ridiculed by those who they are supposed to trust the most learn to simply act on all of the anger that is inside of them. Freud said “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” Maybe betrayals of this magnitude are what gives birth to evil, I’ve certainly seen it happen.

Which brings us to the real point of what it is I’ve done. Somewhere there is a little boy sleeping in a strange home who is terrified to death. Without the right assistance this little boy may very well turn into an evil person. He has been betrayed very badly, been used for others pleasure, and has likely got some very confused ideas about what love might mean between a parent and a child.

And he trusts me. If I can’t be a psychologist anymore, then perhaps I too have betrayed him. I couldn’t live with this. I am the only adult that he trusts right now and it is of vital important that I stay in his life right now. For the first time I’ve truly come to understand the magnitude of what it is I’ve been called to do. I must stay in this boy’s life, and to do this I have to get back to work. The existential shock of these events has brought me back to life, A drink is truly the last thing on my mind right now. Someone needs me very badly and I need to keep a clear head.