For once in my life

“For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I’ve needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know Ill be strong

Stevie Wonder “For once in my life”

I saw my friend Tommy today. He is staying with a foster family who seems very nice, and because I am his therapist of record I was allowed to take him out to lunch. He does not know what I did to his father and I’m not sure I want him to know, not yet anyway. For now I want to act entirely in his best interests, and that means not adding any more stress or worry to his life right now.

We had pizza and talked sparingly. It was clear he is incredibly scared and confused, and I realize it may have been better to do this in my office. I know he is still in a great deal of shock, and I don’t want to push him to talk if he isn’t ready. On the other hand I know it is important he does talk about it and for me to let him know that whatever it is he is feeling it is ok for him to feel like that. He is, quite literally, being attacked by guilt and shame right now, and I want to let him know that he can tell me anything and have it be OK.

Halfway through our meal he says he likes it with his new family and how nice they have been to him. I am again amazed at his strength and resilience and tell him how proud I am of how strong he has been which makes him smile. We switch into a conversation about the Chicago Bears, and I am perfectly OK with this. Although I have been ostensibly trained to deal with these situations, I am terrified of saying the wrong thing. In this moment, I am trying to operate simply out of human kindness, and be there for him if and when he is ready to talk.

As I dropped him off, he looked up at me with sad eyes, and asked when we’ll see each other again. The truth is I don't know. Although I haven’t officially been suspended or reprimanded, I know that there will be some serious questions I have to answer before I go back to work. I explain to him that I’ll see him as soon as possible, but this doesn’t seem to satisfy him. It is an evasive answer and for someone who has been lied to as much as he has it’s a poor choice of words. Still, I really don’t know.

“I love you,” he says as he opened the car door, anxiously looking at me to see what my response would be.

And in this moment I am truly at a loss about what to say. Clearly the response he craves very badly is, “I love you too”, but this may be a dangerous thing to say. I’m not sure what his definition of love is given his history, and am afraid of evoking any confusing feelings. On the other hand, this is a human being badly in need of reassurance. His pain is likely of a magnitude I haven’t even come close to experiencing. I look down and he was still looking at me with expectant eyes.

“I love you too kiddo” I said, “And I want you to know that you can count on me to stand by your side, whenever and whatever you need, okay?” I ask.

“Okay”, he says and heads to the house with a faint smile. As I pull away I see him turn his head back towards the car and wave, and I wave back as I pull away. I look in my rearview mirror and see that I have begun to cry again, and I pull over and try and make a fair assessment of my feelings. The universe has thrown me a very difficult challenge, and I need to reach deep inside myself and rise to this extremely difficult task. For the first time, perhaps ever, I’ve come to understand what it is to be truly needed by another human being.