Day 16

Nov 4, 2007

"To know oneself, one should assert oneself. Psychology is action, not thinking about oneself. We continue to shape our personality all our life. If we knew ourselves perfectly, we should die.”

Albert Camus


I woke up today and realized that all the changes I have been making are going to drastically effect my abilities as a therapist. I have been operating somewhat efficiently and fallen into predictable patterns of discourse despite the realities of my double life. Now all this is changing.

I have often had great moments of clarity the night after a drinking heavily although this seems counterintuitive. Despite the horrific dehydration and intense feelings of self-loathing, the parts of my brain that handled inhibition often became completely disabled in these moments. This allowed me to make unusual and often highly articulate verbal connections that were often very effective in a therapeutic situation.

But this was predicated on an addiction. There has been a long history of artists claiming alcohol helped fuel their creative talents. Writers such as Hemingway, Faulkner, and Jack London all drank very heavily to stimulate their writing. It was reported that Winston Churchill drank a quart of Brandy before Breakfast, but despite this fact, he still remarked that "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." The author William Styron lamented the loss of his "daily companion" when he quit drinking as described in his memoir of his depression Darkness Visible.

I am not in the same league of any of these men. But I do believe, as I have stated before, that there is a cyclical relationship between self-loathing and creativity. Waking up after a truly serious night of drinking is waking up in a kind of Hell of your own making. Creativity is the ferryman that helps guide one back across the river Styx and temporarily out of this despair. I know this, have leaned on this idea, and adapted to this cycle despite its inherent danger.

Even now as I read this it strikes me as a little illogical and as a bit of a rationalization. The myth that there is a relationship between alcohol and creativity has been examined by a number of researchers who found it was a faulty premise based on poor reasoning. Many writers likely succeeded in spite of their drinking rather than because of it. Still, they believe it helped, and therefore it helped. This is the human placebo effect, which is one of the most powerful forces in the known universe.

I write this treatise because I didn't feel effective today. I found myself "reflecting" a great deal today, which is fine as it is, but not a terribly insightful way to spend an hour. At least for me. Patients with higher levels of insight tend to do better with this kind of therapy, as often they are simply working their own problems out internally while using me as a supportive and effective springboard for their new ideas.

But another part of my trepidation is the curse of self-awareness. For 20 years the purchase of alcohol has also been the purchase of a great deal of deceptively blissful ignorance. Like some grotesque two for one deal, the two have fed and complimented each other for most of my adult life. Now, there is no easy escape and music must be faced, even when I don't particularly like the tune that is being played. Perhaps this is what being an adult is, although becoming one has never particularly been one of my goals. My development has been arrested for many years, and I recognize these feelings as those of an adolescent, which is in many way what I am emotionally. But for now, and for the first time in a while, I'm not afraid of what comes next. Not overly hopeful today, but not scared either, just curious. For today, just curious.