Day 15

November 3, 2007

... we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.

Paul Bowles


How little precious time I've spent in my life living in the present moment. Most of my brainpower has been spent in a tug-of-war between avoiding thinking about the past by looking forward to my next drink. What was leftover I've tried to give to others.

Some days, forces align in life and we are awarded moments of clarity. Today was one of those days. I looked at my bank account and realized I've saved hundreds of dollars in the last couple of weeks simply from staying out of bars. I used this money to purchase a ticket to Ireland in fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

I feel like I've mined the depths of my childhood, and although there is a great deal more to do, I know that I have fought a great deal of this battle simply by acknowledging and talking about it. I will continue to do this. Some days it will be liberating and some days it will be torturous, but.... I have begun.

But what about going even further back? My mother was from Ireland, as was her entire family. My father was also half Irish. They were both alcoholics as were many members of their families before that.

America is unique in the sense that we as a people have very little sense of our cultural heritage. As White people in particular we often have a vague sense of ourselves as "European" and leave it at that. From working with people of many different cultures, I know that one of the strongest ways to promote self-esteem is to encourage people to maintain a strong identification with the culture they came from. Rather that simply "assimilating" into the White drones we have become, it is much more important for people to have a strong sense of from where it is they came.

So on that note I'm going to Ireland. I want to examine where the foundations of my resilience were laid. Beyond that I want to better understand why it is these highly resilient people also often turn to "the weakness" of alcohol in times of crisis. In speaking of the Irish, Freud once remarked "This is one race for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever." Although I'm certainly no Freudian, I want to further explore why perhaps the most influential psychologist in history was so confused by my people. Why do we resist self-exploration like we do? Why must we "be strong" as opposed to admitting weakness and asking for help? How has alcohol served us throughout history? How has it failed us?

These are all questions I'd like to explore on my psychological field trip, and I've begun to feel like a little kid again preparing for this adventure. Going to Ireland is the fulfillment of a long forgotten dream. The last couple of days I have reclaimed the idea that time can be a gift instead of a curse. On my own Hero's journey this is a very large step. I leave Thursday. I will report back.