Day 14

Nov 2, 2007

A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying to others and to yourself.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky



One of the cardinal rules in psychology is you don't strip away a person's defenses unless you can also offer something to take there place. Otherwise you can leave a person feeling very exposed and helpless.

According to one theory of psychology known as Internal family systems their are three parts of self found in each person called Exiles, Firefighters, & Managers.

The Exiles are the young parts of the self that have been wounded by trauma. Many times these parts of self get buried deep, as these are the parts that are very vulnerable and scared. If left to their own devices and never dealt with, these parts of self can become buried deep in the psyche, but still may have a large effect on many things we do, including our ability to trust and get close to others.

For me this Exiled part of self was identified and uncovered yesterday. For most of my life I have dealt with this injured part of self by developing a subself as a joker and a clown. I learned early to mask pain by making jokes, and this was a defense that has served me well, or so I thought, until I started thinking about how this part of self related to my drinking. The fact is this part of self developed a need to entertain and be entertained at all times. This is part of why drink, as it provides stimulation and excitement. When people got boring, or more importantly I began to bore myself, alcohol provides an immediate, albeit fleeting release from these feelings of stagnation.

Alcohol is therefore a Firefighter. Firefighters are activated when the feelings the Exiles stir up become too powerful to deal with. Addictions make excellent Firefighters because they literally take the mind to a new state of consciousness. They want what's best for you and to take away your pain. They are experienced and they are effective at their jobs.

Two other Firefighters I use are The Liar, and The People Pleaser. The liar in me convinces others that I am Ok and I have successfully worked through my pain. Worse than that however are the lies I tell to myself. In my profession I must appear healthy and well adjusted. I must convince others with my confidence that I can guide them through the difficulties in their lives. I must be a rock. Must be solid.

But none of this is true. I am weak and I am wounded. This does not necessarily mean I can't be effective, but this also activates the People Pleaser Firefighter. This is the part of me that wants to make people happy. Many psychologists have this kind of personality and have also been peacemakers most of their lives. Much of what drives this part of self is compassion and empathy.

But....... Inherent in this personality trait is an absolute avoidance of confrontation. As a psychologist I often agree with people rather than confronting them. This is dangerous. The people that come to see me often have highly irrational, deeply habituated beliefs that are destroying their lives. Often I avoid challenging these beliefs because I hate that uncomfortable tension and disagreement. I rationalize that I can change people by being kind to them and modeling empathy. This often works, and is in fact the component of therapy that is often most effective. But still, sometimes I know this is a lie and I am acting in the interests of my own comfort.

So these, in a nutshell, are all my defenses, and knowing them in many ways diffuses them. No one is without defenses, and part of growth will be trading immature defenses for more mature and advanced ones. This is my challenge, my desire, and my tightrope. If I fall I'm not sure how I'll get up. Today truly feels like a new day. A strange, odd, and confusing new day.