Day 3

October 22, 2007

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They'd probably put my head in a guillotine
But it's alright, ma, it's life, and life only.

Bob Dylan

I woke up before my alarm clock for the first time in a decade today. It was so strange to have energy and a sense of alertness and anticipation before work. I am so used to waking up in a daze. I woke up and did some mindfulness meditation which is something I advise others to do all the time but rarely do myself. I am resistant to do these exercises because they leave me alone with my own thoughts, which often offer nothing but guilt and shame. Today was different. Today I thought about what was happening physiologically in my body as I remained sober for a third day. It's possible my liver was beginning to heal itself if it's not already too far gone, which is a distinct possibility. My thoughts have become much clearer.

My first client triggered a great deal of countertransference in me which nearly reduced me to tears. It started out as a very innocuous conversation but being sober I was so much more empathically attuned to her today and her words affected me dramatically. She was 33 years old, recently divorced, and had 2 small children. My own mother was in a similar situation. Hearing this woman speak about her tribulations I wanted badly to make her life better. I was seconds away from offering her my entire paycheck, my time, my house, and whatever else she might need to hold on during this dramatic crossroads in her life. This is the same age it started going bad for my own mother when she began to lose hope in her life. At the age of 35 she was dead. None of this was relevant to my client, yet all of this was relevant to my client. I have been trained to use my own experiences to help others but all I want to do is go back in time and make things different. I want to make things different for this woman very, very badly. What I actually do is empathize, validate, and encourage. All the same she haunts me for the rest of the day, and will likely continue to do so for quite some time.

At lunch I walk by a bar, and am strongly tempted to go inside. I am no longer "mindful" and in the present moment as I was this morning. Now I am thinking about my mother and how I could have saved her. How I might still save the woman in my office today. The rational part of my brain reminds me that it's not my job to save people. It's that part of my brain that lets me wallk past the bar and into subway at this moment.