Day 7

October 26, 2007

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster, when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you

Frederick Nietzsche

I've heard some things in therapy that I truly couldn't believe. Doctors who end a successful day by physically banging their heads into cement walls, children who believe demons come into their room and terrorize them, people who dream of having sex with animals, and on and on and on. All the while I normalize and pretend these stories don't bother me when in fact I am often haunted by them. One thing I have learned unequivocally in my years as a therapist is that large numbers of people are much more troubled than most people would believe. Some of this is my bias because I hear so many of these stories personally. I have however, certainly spoken with a wide enough cross-section of people to learn that many people have dark secrets that are like an undertow that constantly threatens to swallow them up and drown them.

Me too. Perhaps me especially. Alcohol is my secret. But I also want to get behind the secrets that feed that secret. Where did it start? How does one become so disgusted by their own thoughts? I often prescribe cognitive-behavioral "techniques" to people to confront their negative thinking when I can't even do this myself. Quite simply, there is more to confronting pathology than simply learning to think positively. Often you have to go deeper, to the roots of the poison tree, before you can truly begin the process of real change.

I avoid A.A meetings because I dislike platitudes and cliches although I use them often myself. I love groups however and firmly believe in their power and efficacy. Perhaps I will look into joining another group besides A.A. As a student I went to A.A meetings as part of my studies and nearly burst out laughing at the exchange of the little sayings. Needless to say it wasn't for me. That being said I acknowledge that it is the single most successful way to treat alcoholism. I am not ready to say the "disease" of alcoholism, although I know I am personally diseased. Perhaps this is a level of denial. I am not "powerless" over alcoholism. I am a rational and intelligent person who can make choices. Right? The evidence suggests otherwise. I want to think deeper and understand why I dislike A.A so much. Perhaps it is because joining this group would mean I was just like everyone else. What would that mean? To me it would mean that I am not special and this is a belief I am not ready to dismiss quite yet. I can think this through, although the minute I right this down I understand this is a very common tool of denial. I am a week sober now. It has been hard, and I am bored, but I also am proud and hopeful. I am changing because I am thinking. I know I will have to go much deeper though and it scares me. I am in uncharted waters and I am alone. All the same I feel something today I haven't felt in a while and that is curiosity and anticipation about the future.