I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased. However, I know nothing at all about my disease, and do not know for certain what ails me.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Yesterday I woke up in a pool of my own urine on my living room floor. It wasn't the first time. I am a psychologist and during the day I help people deal with addictions, but when the last forms are filled out and I shut the door to my office, I am as disturbed as any of my patients are. Maybe more so. I took a long hard look in the mirror this morning and realized I was living a terrible and horrible lie.
How did I get here? As is the case with many people with addictions, my emotional development was stunted when I began drinking, and in many ways I am still an adolescent from a maturity standpoint. I managed to get through many years of schooling by smiling and charming people and getting others to do my bidding. I am respected in my field and few truly suspect how disturbed I really am. I have written numerous journal articles, spoke at conferences and published books, but deep down these are all predicated on a lie. I am a slave to my addiction and filled with an intense sense of self-loathing.
It's 5:00 now and the guilt that accompanies my drinking is now in full force. Normally I would combat these disturbing cognitions with a drink, but today I'm going to do things a little different. For one I've started this blog. As I often tell my clients writing things down can be a tremendous help. I've decided to take my own advice. Tonight will be hard.
4 comments:
Hang in there and good luck!
Hi, This is a truly excellent way to stay on track. We hope to see that you've made it to your third day sober tomorrow and will be mentioning your blog on our blog at www.gosmelltheflowers.com/blog. We've got some risque and sometimes inflammatory commentors on our site, but if you give them a chance they're alright.
Remember, one day at a time!
I wonder if you're actually going this alone? No 12 step group or anything similar? I understand the need for confidentiality and also the lack of it at AA meetings in spite of the admonition about who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here. All it takes is one person. But it's hard to do alone.
Wow.. I can so understand.. and I will be following your journey for the next thirty days.
go to www.unhooked.com
You might find some value there. It's called LifeRing Sobriety and I found the support to be invaluable.
Best to you! :)
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