Day 6

October 25, 2007

My guilt is all I have left. If I lose it, I have stood for nothing, done nothing, been nothing.

William Kennedy

I saw my therapist again today, and left the session irritated and angry. She confronted me about some of my irrational thoughts, (her job) and perhaps it was because it was the first time in quite a while that someone has spoken that way to me that I felt so upset. The anhedonia I feel right now is tremendous. Nothing seems any fun anymore, and I know this a pretty strong indicator of depression. The fact is that I get a lot out of my drinking. Courage, vacation time from my thoughts, as well as camaraderie and friendship.

On the other hand.........For the alcoholic, drinking is a form of slow and insidious suicide. The compulsive need to escape your own thoughts is similar to what a suicidal person experiences when they simply can't stand the reality of consciousness anymore. That's the truth about alcoholism.

But what about me? Is my life so bad? Some days it seems like it is while others I feel like I can take on the world. To paraphrase the late, great Jerry Garcia, "Sometimes the lights are shining on me, other times I can barely see." These are perhaps my all-time favorite song lyrics and words I reflect on often as I stumble though my life.

On my worst days it feels like nothing I do really matters. People come into my office and unload their problems on me and then return to their lives and do nothing to evoke real change. The fact of the matter is I despise this quality in others because I despise this quality in myself.

One of the ideas about psychotherapy is that you must return to the time of your childhood injuries and, with the help of the therapist correct these painful emotional experiences. Some people call this reparenting. I do this with others all the time, but am simply too proud to acknowledge that I myself am badly in need of this as well.

The fact is that guilt and shame attack the self, and I have a great deal of both. The remarkable thing about alcohol is that it is both the prescription for, as well as the cause of, nearly all of my guilt and shame. I drink to escape the guilt, and then wake up feeling even guiltier. This is vicious cycle. If I'm going to change my life I'm going to have to find ways to break this cycle. This may involve getting worse before I get better, and this is something I am prepared for intellectually but is in reality a very disturbing and difficult process.