Day 4

October 23, 2007

You are not a beautiful, unique snowflake... This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
Chuck Palahniuk

I woke up in the middle of the night today and couldn't get back to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about how I got here, and how the man I have become is nothing like the one I envisioned myself to be. I am trying very hard not to beat myself up over the things I've done, but I also realize that I have likely hurt others by some of my actions over the last several years. How many times was I on auto-pilot as a therapist when someone came to me with one of their problems? All the time. It was Carl Jung who said that it was only the wounded healer who could heal, and if this is the case I should be the Mother Theresa of psychotherapy. I don't want to fall into pity for myself but rather take responsibility for the past, deal with it, and then let it go. Is this possible? My work tells me probably not. The historical, genetic, environmental, and personality inertia that got me here is very complex and powerful, and their are pieces of my life I don't wish to revisit. But what is the cost? Another 20 years of alcoholism? This doesn't seem bearable. I feel stuck, unable to move forward and unable to escape the past. This is of course how 90 percent of my clients also see the world. It's a tough bind and I'm not sure there's an easy answer to it.

Later in the day I make an appointment to see a therapist. I pick one in a neighboring town so as to avoid gossip about my problem. Although therapists are bound and sworn to confidentiality, we gossip as much as any other profession, perhaps more. I have been guilty of this myself. Spinning a yarn about someone who is deeply in pain for the amusement of my colleagues. I am good at this. For the first time today I'm thinking how it would feel for someone to hear and bear witness to these betrayals at their expense. Hypocritically I don't want to be the object of some other therapist's after hours banter. In my sober mind I think about this a great deal and pledge to put myself in my client's shoes before doing this again.

I meet my therapist in the afternoon and am immediately bowled over by her intelligence and charm. I remind myself that I am not here to admire or charm her, but instead enter into a deep and meaningful relationship that may change my life. Still, she is dazzling. I recognize how this transference may get in the way of my disclosure, and vow to put it out of my mind. Part of me thinks if I had just met a woman like this when I was younger things may have been different for me. But this is a lie. The fact is that I have been with many extraordinary women and found a reason to push them all away. If therapy is going to work, I will have to build a relationship with this woman based on honesty, full disclosure, and trust. Then I may take what I have built in this relationship and use it in my life. That is the theory anyway. The reality is often much different. Many people change for reasons having very little to do with us. Still, I know I have done some good in therapy and I believe in the process.